A way to understand sexual addicts is to compare them with other types of addicts. A common definition of alcoholism or drug dependency is that a person has a pathological relationship with a mood-altering chemical.

The sexual addiction is parallel. The addict substitutes a sick relationship to an event of process for a healthy relationship with others. The addict's relationship with a mood-altering "experience" becomes central to his life.

Addicts progressively go through stages in which they retreat further from the reality of friends, family, and work. Their secret lives become more real than their public lives.

An essential part of sanity is being in reality, so in the sense that addicts distort reality, the sexual addiction becomes a form of insanity.

Sexual addiction is the term commonly used to describe sexual obsession. A sex addict is willing to be destructive to self and others, even breaking the law if necessary, to achieve sexual pleasure. However, we must not assume that sexual addiction is an attempt to find real intimacy. In actuality, it's an avoidance of pain often caused by real intimacy. In effect, a sex addict creates a pseudo relationship with something or someone that can be controlled, such as a picture, an actor on the video screen, or a prostitute.

Once we understand that the primary goal of sexual addictive behavior is to avoid relational pain -- essentially, to control life -- we begin to uncover the core problem. Sexual addiction occurs when individuals reach a level of sexual activity that they feel they can no longer control. As addicts become obsessed with sex, they are in danger of deeply misusing it, and at some point they lose control over their sexual behavior while trying to gain control over relational pain.

People become addicted to the "high" associated with sexual activity just as others become addicted to the euphoria of alcohol or drugs. When people over-emphasize the importance of sex in their lives, it begins to dictate a lifestyle to them, and they become obsessed with thoughts of sex. Eventally they lose control of how often, with whom, and under what circumstances they will engage in sex. They become enslaved to compulsive sexual behavior. What begins as "just having a little fun" or "satisfying normal urges," gradually lures them deeper and deeper into the mire of bondage.

Pornography is a gateway drug for sexual addiction. Pornography helps to make the unusual appear the norm. Through the use of pornography the addict can masturbate and fantasize sex with a small child or teenage cheerleader, or sex while inflicting pain, or multiple partners. Again, like sexual fantasies, masturbating is normal behavior -- particularly for boys. However, there is a tipping point where masturbation becomes compulsive; or when used with pornography becomes positive reinforcement to unhealthy or bizarre sexual practices. This process of desensitization may lead to sexual addiction even without a history of early abuse, trauma or dysfunction.

Fantasy, pornography and masturbation are a quick escape from real intimacy. Many level one sexual addicts would rather masturbate than take the time to develop a relationship. This is the most common harm of level one addiction. There are no unwilling victims -- just individuals trapped in sexual and relational immaturity.

CAVEAT: Not everyone who does level one and two activities is a sexual addict per se. In these first two levels compulsivity in relation to risk and consequences must be considered. However, in the later two levels where the acts involve unwilling victims and legal consequences, addiction is more safely diagnosed.

"It created a wall between us. I avoided intimate conversation so I wouldn’t have to answer questions from her that would reveal those secretive and shameful events. As for our sexual relationship, increased sex with myself resulted in less sex with my wife."
- A 64 year old married man.

"After the family dinner, I’d spend three to four hours in the basement, several nights a week, intensely involved in online sex. I kept a daily check on my favorite sexual chat rooms, seeing who was there, flirting, hitting on women, and exchanging photos. I also subscribed to a service where I could order up "models" who would perform "live sex," in whatever way I requested, while I masturbated. Although I never intended to go further than these activities, I felt myself increasingly drawn to one particular girl named "Angel" who did online porn. At first I became "involved" with her through watching her perform, and I would specifically request her several times weekly. Over a three month period, I spent an unbelievable $3,500 on these computer sessions with Angel."
- Jeffrey, a married 36 year old Web site designer and father of three.

"At first we had more sex than ever, as I desperately tried to prove myself; then sex with her made me sick. I get strong pictures of what she did and lusted after, and then I get repelled and feel bad. I used to see sex as a very intimate, loving thing. We always had a lot of sex, and I felt we were intimate. Since I found out my wife was not on the same page, I can’t be intimate or vulnerable -- sex is now more recreational or just out of need."
- A 46 year old accountant married to a female cybersex addict.

Quotes from "Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession?" by Jennifer Schneider, M.D., Ph.D. & Robert Weiss, M.S.W., C.A.S. Published by Hazelden Press, 2001.

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1. We admitted we were powerless over our sexual addiction- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.